Stuart – Donated 2006-2007

Name: Stuart

Donated: 2006 – 2007

Where donated: Esperance Hospital, Eastbourne

I was a donor at the Esperance Hospital in Eastbourne between 2006 and 2007, when I was 34. At the time, it felt like a straightforward and positive thing to do; a way to help people who wanted to become parents. Now, nearly two decades later, the first children born from my donation are becoming adults, and this part of my life feels more real and more present than ever before.

I donated just after the law changed to ensure all new donors would become identifiable once anyone conceived from their donation turned 18. This made sense to me because I have always believed that everyone has the right to know about their identity and origins. Because of that, I also made sure I could be found through the major DNA matching sites, in case someone wanted to reach out earlier than 18.

When I donated, the clinic told me they encouraged parents to tell their children early that they were donor conceived. I assumed this meant most children would grow up knowing. I also, rather naively, assumed the HFEA would contact Donor Conceived People at 18 to inform them that they could access identifying information if they wished.

It has been surprising, and at times unsettling, to learn that things are not as straightforward or clear as I originally thought.

As a donor, not knowing if or when contact might happen is a constant background feeling. I have long known how many children were born from my donation, along with their sex and year of birth. But knowing these facts is very different from knowing a person, your biological child, even if you were never a parent to them. I do not know whether they are aware they are donor conceived, whether they are curious, or whether they have no interest at all. That uncertainty sits within me in a way I never anticipated.

I do not think donors often admit they feel anxious about contact, but I certainly do. Not because I do not want it, but because I want to handle it well. I do not want to overwhelm anyone or say the wrong thing. I want to be considerate of boundaries and timing. I want to be someone who is safe to approach, not someone who adds pressure or confusion.

Since joining Donor Conceived UK, I have learned that many Donor Conceived People have similar worries, especially around not knowing what to expect, disrupting a donor’s life, or being rejected. Realising that the anxiety exists on both sides has made me more aware of how difficult it must be for someone donor conceived to reach out, particularly at the age of 18.

Being a donor has affected me more deeply than I expected. I thought I was doing something helpful, and I still believe that I did. But I never anticipated the long emotional arc, the responsibility, the curiosity, the hope, the uncertainty. I also did not expect to feel so unsupported by the systems that were supposed to guide both donors and the donor conceived. Until I joined Donor Conceived UK, I had never knowingly spoken to another donor or a Donor Conceived Person. For nearly twenty years, this entire part of my life existed almost in isolation.

Donor Conceived UK was the first group where I felt included as a donor in the wider conversation. It has been helpful to find a space where donors and Donor Conceived People can interact, listen, and learn from one another.

I have read how difficult it can be for a Donor Conceived Person to initiate contact, but I want people to know that it can also be difficult waiting for contact that may never come.