I’ve tried many times over the years to explain the feeling of finding out you’re donor conceived. After the news. It all being so familiar but yet so alien. Like watching your family through a distorted lense.
The French have a word for this- Jamais vu- You’re looking at things that should be familiar to you but now they aren’t.
You’re longing for that familiar feeling of family, being comfortable with the people around you.
But suddenly that has changed. The secrets they kept from you that you deserved to know. You’re now at the forefront of the biggest lie you’ll ever face and you had no time to prepare.
You just want to go home but that place doesn’t exist anymore. The feeling of being isolated and having no one to talk to about it but still somehow longing to talk and process this information. A homesickness you just can’t placate.
You seek out comfort and all you get is the same comments…
“He’s still your Dad”
“They wanted you…”
Like you should be grateful for this… and you are but you’re also so alone in this grief.
And you are grieving… for yourself and no matter how you explain it, people don’t see it this way.
You spend hours just looking at the man who raised you. Yes he is your Dad. But those hands aren’t yours. His hairline isn’t yours. His eyes are a different colour to yours. It’s very close but its not perfect and you can see how you were fooled for all those years. He feels like an imposter, however the guilt of feeling these feelings. You still love your Dad!
You’ve just had 50% of your identity ripped away from you and you didn’t get a choice.
All those conversation throughout the decades coming racing back, the family tree conversations, the genetics, what traits you took from what parent. Those conversations that were once just a part of normal dialogue within a family now have a darker tint to them, a grit that wasn’t there before. There is a filter of unfamiliarity to it.
That guilty feeling of relief that you also didn’t inherit his bad genes and wondering what you did inherit from this mystery donor and whilst he remains a mystery, you just don’t know so you’re in this constant state of anonymity.
Your donor was anonymous and currently so are you.
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