Non Donor-Conceived (NDC) people (also called Raised offspring) are offspring conceived between the donor and their own partner, NOT with a Recipient Parent (RP).

NDC offspring are impacted by donor conception practices when they, often unexpectedly, find out that one of their parents has conceived children outside of the known family, perhaps by many strangers, and potentially as part of a commercial fertility industry transaction.  These Donor Conceived half siblings can often be part of huge sibling groups to which the NDC offspring now belong. Some donor conceived people find the inclusion of the term “half” useful because it stresses the complicated web of DC sibling relationships: each offspring in a DC family may have different NDC siblings who in turn have DC siblings in many other families.

If your parent has died before you became aware they were a donor, there may be many questions that will always remain unanswered, including about their knowledge and opinions of the process. This can be very difficult for you and your DC siblings when coming to terms with the situation.

Support Available for NDC Offspring

• If you are a NDC offspring and one of your DC siblings was conceived pre 1991, you are entitled to two free counselling sessions via the DCR.
• All NDC offspring can join the Donor Conceived UK community via our private Facebook group. Please email us at Info@DonorConceivedUK.org.uk for further details.
• If you would like to have contact with other NDC offspring please email us at Info@DonorConceivedUK.org.uk.

Suggestions for NDC siblings contacted by DC siblings

Take it gently. It is a truism that family relationships, for positive, negative or anything in between, have a profound effect on many of us, but infertility practices have radically complicated them. You may discover a stream of DC half siblings each with different second parents. Whilst you share some DNA with DC siblings, you share no history or experiences, and perhaps no language or cultural background. Just as they do not with each other. You might however share the view that you are all collateral damage of the industry. Keep in mind that, even so, there can often be an intense feeling of bond between offspring.

On an initial contact from a DC sibling, think very carefully about your own needs before deciding on whether, or how, to respond. Be aware your needs might fluctuate over the years, especially as increasing numbers of DC siblings come to light. The gist of an excellent piece of advice from one respected DC counsellor is: don’t jeopardise your existing family relationships in the pursuit of potential, possibly idealistic, DC ones. If there are differing views between NDC siblings and their families on how or if to engage with DC siblings, this can upset existing family dynamics.

The DC sibling may have no interest in having a relationship with you or sharing personal information; perhaps they just need medical history. This might be fine for you. But it might also be hard given they are children of a person you possibly had a good relationship with and would like to welcome as a sibling.

You may see many similarities between your DC siblings and the parent you knew personally. If the donor parent is deceased this can compound your sense of loss, and also may be hard for DC siblings to hear about.

If you were happily raised by your biological parents, your DC siblings may perceive this as a privilege: hearing of your experiences could be difficult for them or accentuate their feeling of loss or frustration.

Be aware that DC siblings may be angry with your parent for enabling unsuitable RPs to become parents. The DCP may have been born into a dysfunctional setting, or even one where there is mental or physical abuse.

If you decide to meet your DC sibling you may stare at each other a lot. A “first date” is a good analogy in terms of questions and pace, however it might help for both of you to take your partners.

Suggestions for DC offspring making initial contact with NDC offspring

This website has suggestions for contacting Donors (see our post about letters to “new” biological parents) and these can also be useful for contacting NDC offspring.

Before attempting to make contact, here are some questions to consider:

• Do you have siblings and are they also donor-conceived?
• Do they have the same or different donors?
• What are their attitudes about you contacting your potentially shared NDC?

Different NDC offspring of the donor might have hugely varying views on how much engagement, if any, they are able or willing to give. So, if you are rejected by the first one you approach, don’t necessarily give up with other NDC offspring.

Below are some of the questions that you could ask your NDC sibling: 

• Medical history, especially of their wider family.
• Does the NDC sibling have existing contact with other DC or are you the first?
• Did the NDC or donor do a DNA test themselves or were they found through commercial DNA “trees”?
• What do you and they want out of any potential relationship?
• Is the donor’s spouse still alive? Do they know?
• You could suggest you both bring photos of yourselves over the years, and perhaps of the donor too.
• You could also share “pen portraits” – your experiences over the years.
• Finding out about coincidences and shared interest/tastes can be amusing and help form a bond.

If you are a DC offspring, please be careful of alluding to the “generous person” idiom: this may be true for your biological parent (the donor), but not for all. For example, yours might be a victim of fertility fraud ,  or they might have been targeted by the fertility industry whilst an immature or naïve young adult and responded without consideration of the long term consequences.

If you have advice which you believe would be helpful for NDC/DC relationships, please get in touch.

Huge thanks to one of the Non DC Siblings in our community who helped to put this post together!